and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
