Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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