Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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