Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
