He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
