Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
