I hate your face
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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