Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
