These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
