HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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