If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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