my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
