i just wanna soil my oats bro
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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