You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
