he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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