just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
