loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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