Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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