she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
