If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
