This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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