i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
