i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
