omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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