I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
