Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
