Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
