i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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