your parents love me but you hate me
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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