So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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