This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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