if you like me you must not know who I am
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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