i don't plan on having that self control this summer
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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