i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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