can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize