friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
