So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
