Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
