One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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