I'm so fucking centered right now
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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