I like to think it a success when the cops are called
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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