It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
