We're facebook friends in real life
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Will exercising make me less horny?
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