new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
