You just made me feel so damn special
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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