Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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