I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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