I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
