you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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