He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
