Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize