I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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