I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
