alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
