I think im going to throw up on grandma
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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