As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
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