Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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