Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
In America we eat man semen.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
