I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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